Sunday, February 20, 2011

...And Lo, There Was Disorientation

How does that quote go?  "Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the fire hydrant"? 

It's my turn to be the fire hydrant.

Two weeks ago this coming Monday, I was laid off from what I thought was my dream job.  A divine opportunity to develop as a professional.  A chance to really make a difference and create a niche for myself.  A chance to use all of the education and training I have gathered.

It really WAS that job.

Until it wasn't.

Now, I'm in that limbo.  That place of uncertainty where you question how you made yourself so expendable, so non-essential, so lay-offable.

It's in this limbo space that I find my self bruised and constantly checking out the corner of my eye for the next kick in the pants.  This experience has made me anxious - not just about now - but about the future.  I feel unsteady, like I'm standing on ground in the midst of a liquifaction.

With this unsteadiness, I find myself forced to look at pages where "experts" tell me how to buck up and suck it up and move on.  Sites which try to coach me.

Right now, I don't want a coach, I want a job.  I don't just want ANY job, I want a job where I use my education - all three degrees. 

I want a job where I count.  Where I make a difference.  Where I'm valued for my contribution.  Where I'm necessary.  Where I'm included.  Where I'm part of the future.

In the meantime, I'm hanging out with my dog.  He doesn't judge me.  To him, I count, make a difference, I'm valued, I'm necessary and I'm part of his future.

I'm no fire hydrant to my dog.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're feeling this way - even though it's understandable and normal, it still sucks. I wanted to find a job ASAP, too. One that made me feel like I was contributing. It took 7 months until I found it.

    It's not at all in my field, and it doesn't require my degree. What it does so is allow me to live out the dream I've had since I was a kid.

    Take your time, breathe, and give yourself the time off that you need and deserve. Be good to yourself, because you deserve that, too.

    xo

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  2. Thanks Loveliness. I hear the permission, just having trouble translating it and applying it! That's just my immigrant's child inside telling me I must be toiling at all times in order to be a good girl. I'm looking forward to coffee with you and runs on the dyke...and maybe, a better future in light of the growing :)

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